Getting over myself

It needs to happen soon. In approximately 3 weeks, I'm heading to Mexico for a month-long vacation with my family. I've been working really hard to get into shape for this trip, as I will be wearing a bikini during much of my sojourn south of the border. This strikes fear into my heart. I have spent so long loathing my personal appearance - I look in the mirror and all I see is FATFATFATUGLY - that, despite my best efforts re: gym and eating healthily, I am still convinced that I am a hideous, jiggly cow. People tell me otherwise, but I can never, ever believe them.

I wish that I could be comfortable with myself. I really want to enjoy this vacation...ultimately I know that I will because I will be with my family, whom I love and adore, but I want to feel happy in my own skin. I don't want to hide from the camera. I want to be ok enough with how I look that when I smile for a picture I don't look downward or to the side in an effort to shield myself from the inevitable "ugh" moment that happens when I see the instant playback.

I am an outfit that I can tailor but can never return for a refund. I must continue to work on being able to wear myself with confidence.